There is runnning.....and there is racing...the two are really not the same. The zen runner goes out and just runs for the sheer joy of it, based on feel, only ever pushing the pace for periods of time that feel right, but mostly running in a comfortable zone. When you run to race you learn to follow the master plan, to do speed work when your legs are not 'feeling it', to do long runs when the weather is disgusting or you have a cold and should probably be taking it easy.
Envious though I am of that zen runner, I don't think that could ever be me - without the pressure or the goal setting of a race I revert to the lazy marshmallow version of myself, and would be lying on the coach watching tv, filled with self loathing. I really enjoy the preparation and rhythm of a build up to a race, the 3 months of training, the base miles before training, the discipline of knowing day by day what the work out should be. However, the week before a race I am never a very happy camper.
This week is no different. On Saturday I am due to run the Walnut Creek International Half Marathon and should be excited. But like all runners, neurosis is already setting in. Firstly, my entire left leg feels like it might drop off, hence the need for a serious massage soon. Secondly, I finally ran the course this weekend. Not sure if that was a good idea. Preparation is key, but it is supposed to build confidence not annihilate it. Running what was supposed to be an 'easy 10 miler' on a wet and wild Saturday amidst heavy traffic, mounds of wet leaves and branches, I found the effort of ploughing up the two miles of hills on Treat and back down Ygnacio trying. Looking at a colourful elevation chart when you register is one thing, running it is another. It finally dawned on me that hitting such a long hill so early in the race was going to be a major challenge. This was no flat and friendly local town race, I had been deceiving myself, and I was going to have to run that long hill conservatively enough to survive the second half of the race, but not so slow I wiped out the benefit of all the hard training I had put in.
Still, on the plus side Lopez Lamong was due to be there - he had been one of the lost boys of Sudan, running for three days over the boarder to Kenya at the age of 6 to escape his attackers, and then surviving refugee camps before finally being adopted by Americans and becoming an inspiring olympic athlete. One of my favourite running videos of all time was watching him turn out a 59 sec 400m final lap in the 5k when immediately prior, he had tragically miscounted and sprinted to what he thought was the finish; he had virtually stopped when the camera man wildly gesticulated that he should probably do another lap, and he pulled it off, still winning the race substantially. L'il bitch was also going to run, exhausted by the end of a very long cross country season he was going to take it fairly easy, but bring a sharpie and try and get Lopez to autograph anything he could find, body parts included.
To avoid pre-race stress I keep reminding myself that I choose to race. Indeed, I forked out 70 bucks for the treat, and should therefore be deliriously happy about it. I could easily have saved the money and had a regular Saturday sleeping late and watching the kids at their sporting fixtures. Starting to coach Cross Country had made me think about some of these things. Watching girls from the best teams in California throwing up from sheer nerves at the start line of the States Cross Country meet focused my thinking. One of the pieces of advice I had been giving the high school runners was not to worry about what you couldn't control. For instance often your place in a race is to a large extent beyond your control - who knows what elite 45 year olds will be there on Saturday. Even pace is not always something you can dictate. I had chosen a fairly ambitious training pace and hit my goals about 70% of the time leading up to the race. Throw in 2 miles of hills and the pace goal might well need to shuffle a little. Increasingly, I have found that the more one gets consumed with pace goals or place goals the more stress sets in; you can feel every muscle in the body tighten, the stomach rebelling, rational thought disintegrating with panic and none of these side effects help you to run well. The longer I run the more I realize there is only one thing I can control. That is running hard. As long as I pay attention to my form, keep relaxed and tall, maintain a steady rhythm, manage my breath, the rest will take care of itself and I will be satisfied with the outcome regardless.
At the final XC banquet one of the seniors made a speech that was gratifying in its honesty and hilarious in the context. It was not the usual back slapping, emotive celebration of the sport you see in the good ol US of A. He described how as a freshman he had come out for Cross Country and found it very challenging and not much fun at all, but he had found himself coming back because he liked the people. Now, as a Senior the running still 'sucked' a lot of the time, it was painful and difficult. But what he liked about it was its difficulty, as every day he faced doing something that was a battle with self. He casually added he also liked the way he felt about himself afterwards, and still enjoyed the people.
Choice is a beautiful thing and this week I choose not to be neurotic!
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